One Cup of Coffee

The people I worked for this past year have a lot of money. They seem very generous and good with their money, and they don’t act all hoity-toity, but the fact is they just have a lot of money and they enjoy it! They have a gorgeous big house and really cool expensive cars and boat and really nice beautiful clothes. I was there almost every weekday so I saw how great it is to have money. In the mornings when they come out of their bedroom, dressed for the day, I’d catch myself wanting to say to them, just out of a natural instant response; “Oh my gosh you look awesome, is that new?” And of course it is, or maybe to them it isn’t new new, but they just always looked beautiful and crisp and new! I’m sure they would‘ve gotten tired of hearing me say it every day, but I thought it everyday. And they have the best hair. They are such well-groomed gorgeous people. Anything that comes up, that they might need money for, there is no discussion. They just pay for it. Ok, so I don’t really know there is no discussion, it just seems like there doesn’t need to be much. In the evening if they want to go out, they go out. Some of the food they bring home for “take-out” is from the nicest restaurants. I’m not judging any of this. I honestly believe, they’ve worked hard and have been smart and God has blessed them financially. They are just enjoying their wealth. Aaron came by while I was over there one night on his way home from college and went crazy. He is my “Nordstrom’s mentality on a Wal-Mart budget” kid. Aaron has a taste for the best this life has to offer. He gets that honestly from me. I like having the best. I like things to look and be nice. But since I’ve not always had a lot of money I’ve tried to figure out ways to get the look I like without spending the money. I still struggle, but I used to battle with envy and greed a lot more. If I had something and I found out there was a better something just like it I would have to get it. When Aaron was leaving their house that night he said, “Isn’t it hard sometimes hanging out over here in this expensive house and being around all that nice stuff and not having it?” I told him I was ok with it, it didn’t bother me too much. But I totally got where he was coming from, ‘cause like I said I used to really really struggle with it. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with having a lot, I wouldn’t mind having more. If that ever happened I would enjoy it, but I just don’t crave it anymore like I used to. I can honestly say I love my house and my small selection of clothes and just enough groceries to last the week. I really do! It’s easier to manage and less to worry about. I was sitting at Starbucks downstairs at Northlake Mall with Jacob the other day watching people shop and spend. We talked about how fun and free it is to sit there, having only enough money for a cup of coffee. We talked about how it sucks sometimes to not get to buy and shop, but how also, when your mind is in the right place how good it feels to walk through the Mall and be ok not spending. I don’t say all of this in a churchy goody goody way. I love stuff, and more would be fun! I’m just saying I don’t feel that discontent tug as much I used to. I enjoy the nicest of the nice. I would love a brand new Black Honda Pilot, a lot more clothes, more money to shop with when I wanted something, and a wrap around porch on my house, but for today, I’m ok.

swimming "lessons"

During the summers when my kids were little I would sign them up for swimming lessons. I loved having something to go do during those long lazy days of summer, but I also wanted every kid to go through enough weeks of lessons to make them good safe swimmers. So I just kept enrolling the younger ones, to ensure they had enough classes, but didn’t want to leave the older ones out, so all four kids took swimming lessons every summer. Probably a bit overkill, but when it comes to adventure, I’m not known for moderation. And since it was a pretty reasonable price, we did it year after year. We would pack some snacks or make a plan to stop for lunch, like at McDonalds or a park afterward or somewhere fun and turn swim lessons into an occasion. I just loved getting all the kids in the car and heading off to do something together. I still love that. But one particular memory of swimming lessons was of Jacob and Aaron. We always went to the Miller Swim School. The Miller family rented out different swimming facilities all around Tulsa and offered two-week classes. Mr. Miller was the patriarch of the family. He had served in the military, I think, and was a really cool guy with a lot of business smarts, but in the water you only saw the drill sergeant part of him. He wasn’t always there everyday, he let the women folk in his family teach the kids their swimming lessons. But on the day the parents were supposed to come in and observe, Mr. Miller always showed up in the pool, barking out orders and demanding compliance. Aaron did ok with Mr. Miller, because Aaron was very competitive and had a little tough guy exterior and wanted to please this man yelling at him. It just cracked me up that on the little kids swimming demonstration day, General Schwarzkopf would show up and try to whip all these little wet shivering kids into his swimming brigade. Don’t get me wrong, he was a good person and you could tell he liked kids, but Jacob didn’t do so well with the yelling. Jacob just wanted everyone to get along and be sweet to each other. He didn’t care necessarily about being the best swimmer as he did being the teachers favorite little guy. I remember once Mr. Miller shouting exclusively at Jacob, “C'mon boy, what are you doing? Get out there and swim like a man! Move, move, move!” I watched him endure it for a few minutes then saw him decide, “yeah, that’s enough of that”, and he started swimming to the side of the pool where I was. His little eyes were red, not with chlorine, but with tears he was trying to hold back. He put his hands on the edge of the pool and looked at me as if to say, “I can get out and stand by you mom, right?” I just looked at him with fearful eyes and shaking my head no and whispering, “no, no, stay in there, it’ll be over soon”. I used my hands to demonstrate, get back out there, quickly. I knew if he got out of the pool to stand by his mommy, the embarrassment would only intensify. Mr. Miller would call him out in front of everybody, loudly. Not in a mean sort of way but definitely in an embarrassing sort of way. I felt so bad, because I wanted to rescue him. I wanted to grab him out of that pool and wrap a warm towel around him and hold him on my lap and remind him I loved him and thought he was a great swimmer. But I knew getting out of the pool, would only make things worse for him and I knew the class wouldn’t last much longer and it would all be over soon. I also knew (and this is the part I hate) that he’d probably get a little better and a little tougher in the process if I didn’t rescue him. Ugh, sometimes I just hated those moments of deciding my kids would be better off enduring the pain. It broke my heart. I know that’s how God is with us. Waiting by the pool in his lawn chair knowing all He has to do is reach down his hand and pull us out of the water. But He also knows it’ll be over soon and we’ll be better having stuck it out, making it through the pain and humiliation. So there He sits, near the edge of the pool with your beach towel, maybe with a tear in his eye but for sure compassion in his heart. His endurance level and concept of time is different from ours, a fact I’m not always fond of, but a lesson I’m constantly learning. Cause the truth is, it’s not always about me and about this very moment, but about what God is doing in me so he can do something meaningful through me.

perspective

I read Relevant magazine today and a great article on Donald Miller. Donald Miller is one of my favorite authors. I want to write like him. I want people to like my writing like I like his. He’s one of those people where when I read his books I don’t necessarily think, “wow, that’s a new idea”, I think, “ oh my gosh, that’s exactly what I think”! O.K., I learn new things too when I read his stuff, but just about always agree and want to rearticulate it just like he said it. Reading the article today, helped me remember why I want to write and how I want to write and how I don’t want to write. In the article it said that a relative recently told him, “You are an author who is a Christian. You are not a Christian author.” I want my writing to come across like that. I don’t want to be preachy but to come across from a personal perspective. I want to be more raw. I want to write more like my sister Elaine suggested, that I don’t write like there is this promise that if we live for God everything will be great. It might not be great, but it can be more meaningful and peace filled. Miller said, “that the idea that Jesus will make everything better is a lie. He says it’s “biblical theology translated into the language of infomercials.” Jesus will make everything better, but not necessarily today and maybe not even during our earthly existence. I just want to write about real life, about how even though I love God with all my heart, life is not always great, but every moment has a deeper meaning and depth to it and that Jesus does make a difference and can give you peace through it all, but it’s not this sweet churchy little life. It’s tough. I wrote three words in my journal a couple of weeks ago. Acceptance, Focus and Gratitude. It’s not all about getting it right or getting to the point where everything around you is right. It’s about acceptance, focus and gratitude. That’s where peace lies. I want to come across as introspective and emotionally honest, funny and vulnerable, but most importantly authentic.